WiFi’s Down. Everybody Panic.

By CL Bledsoe

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*This is from a year ago.

My daughter has a more active social calendar than me. This is probably as it should be. Summer comes, and folks remember they’re alive, I guess. Nine months (and a few years) later, we’ve got a class full of birthday party invites. They know me at Chuck E. Cheese, now. I’ve got a reserved spot in the ball pit. (Actually, apparently they don’t have ball pits anymore? At least the swanky CEC the parents of my daughter’s class frequent doesn’t.) (By “swanky” I mean, I guess, that it doesn’t have a ball pit. And it’s relatively clean.) When we’re not at parties, we go to the movies, or stay home and watch movies or TV or play video games because it’s still cold out and we are part bear, which means we’d rather hibernate. (This also explains why my daughter loves salmon.)

This last weekend, we had a big windstorm. School was cancelled, Friday, as was my work. The power went off in lots of places(a couple hundred thousand homes) — mine fluttered a few times, like a drunken butterfly — but it came back on. The internet, not so much. That means the rut we’d gotten into when we were home of watching too much TV was a no-go.

In addition to being part bear, we are, in fact, elves. The ears were a sure giveaway, I bet. But our home — the Lost Kingdom — was, well, lost. So we had to gather up our belongings — this took about three trips and included several stuffed animals, a box full of little gewgaws, a Barbie car — you get the picture.

We had a hot tip that the Lost Kingdom would be in the living room. We did find the My Little Pony Movie Tie In Deluxe Castle Now Available For Parents To Have To Put Together On Christmas Eve Seriously Are There Really This Many Parts? It’s Going To Be Dawn Before I’m Finished. (They shortened the title after some marketing group feedback.) But alas, the Lost Kingdom was still lost, so, after quite a bit of playing, we had to wish our pony friends adieu and continue our quest.

Next, we ventured to the land of Messy Bedroom, across the Mountains of Clutter, and to the Dollhouse Full Of Random Stuff. Here, we discovered a powerful gemstone which would guide our way, along with A Couple Things I Thought I Told You To Pick Up. But, alas, again, the Lost Kingdom was not there. Or maybe it was, but we couldn’t find it under all that stuff.

For a shocking turn of events, we next ventured into Daddy’s Bedroom and the Great Bed, which was soon covered with absolutely everything in the world. Using the gemstone — after some research on my phone to figure out what kind of stone it was (spoiler: heck if I know) we finally found the way to the Lost Kingdom.

That’s when the goblins attacked.

Our only hope was to convince them that we were also goblins. The thing about goblins, I discovered, is that they act like disaffected teenagers. This was news to me. My daughter and I spent the next several minutes talking like this, lots of bored, “Like, whatever and stuff?” and similar statements.

Eventually, the goblins went away and we were able to enter the Lost Kingdom and be reunited with our elven brethren and sistren There was much rejoicing and exchanging of gifts. Then, we had lunch.

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